Dating someone who’s not smart enough for you is really freaking hard.  What was I thinking? 

prettylittlefighter said: Isn’t white the absence of color and black is all of them?

No, it’s the opposite.  White is all the colors trapped in a prism.  Black is the absence of color.  


It’s kind of depressing when black becomes your favorite color, consider black is really the absence of color. 

It’s kind of depressing when black becomes your favorite color, consider black is really the absence of color. 

I don’t know why I keep falling for the same thing.  Guys always say they care but their actions show me that they generally don’t give a shit.  And I stay anyway because I believe they’re telling the truth when the real truth is that they’re fucking assholes.  

What do you do when the only person you have makes you miserable? I’m not sure what’s worse—staying miserable with someone that makes me happy occasionally, or being miserable and completely alone.  I’m not happy with him and I’m not happy without him.  But I don’t have anyone else.  Why do I keep making the same mistakes?

All guys are the fucking same.

// The fucker//

Recently I’ve been learning a lot about borderline personality disorder (I’m a psychology major).  It’s been bringing up a lot of flashbacks of my rapist.  For those of you who don’t know, borderline personality disorder  applies to all those fucked up people you know that manipulate people for sheer entertainment.  They genuinely like to fuck with people.  They’re those people that can turn the tables on you in a way that’s so sly that you don’t even wonder why you’re the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness at the end of the argument whey they’re the ones that hurt you and you didn’t even do anything wrong.  They also are very emotionally needy and would rather hurt you than let you be happy, if it means making you stay a part of their lives.  

Scott definitely is a borderline.  I remember 4 months into the relationship when the sexual abuse started getting bad and I started trying to get out.  It was one of the first times I tried to break up with Scott.  I was venting to my best friend at the time, trying to build up the strength to leave him, and, as usual, Scott just calls me whenever the fuck he pleases and doesn’t care that since he hadn’t been bothering to call me lately, I was on the phone with someone else.  But for some stupid reason I hung up with my best friend and took the fucking call.  At first I just tried to tell him what was bothering me so that he could have the chance to at least say that he’ll do better and stop abusing me (because for some fucked up reason I thought abuse was just another mistake that could be fixed).  

I was surprised at how quickly he gave up on the relationship.  I don’t remember the first part of the conversation too well but I definitely remember the end of it.  He caved and said that he didn’t deserve me but he would take a few months to become a better person and maybe we could get back together.  I was so confused.  But I could hear the smile in his voice.  Looking back now, it was almost like he was trying to hold back laughter (and he probably was).  But all I could think was: Why wasn’t he fighting for me?  Why wasn’t he trying to work it out?  I asked him, “that’s it?  You’re going to give up that easily?  You’re not even going to fight for me?”  And somehow I ended up trying to convince him to stay with me when I didn’t even want to be with him in the first place because I felt guilty for making him feel bad and I felt unwanted when he didn’t fight for me.  I wanted out.  I don’t even remember how we got to that point.  How did he manipulate me so easily?  Looking back now, I’m so pissed.  How did I fall for that bullshit.  Nowadays I’m wise enough to see right through that fuckery.  But I didn’t even realize it was happening to me.  I remember how heartbroken my best friend was for me every time right after I was supposed to break up with him I called her and told her we worked everything out.  As I explained the details, that I apologized like the pathetic victim I was, she always angrily asked, “Why are you apologizing to him?  You have nothing to apologize to that fuck for.  Don’t let him do this to you.  You can’t stay with him after all he’s done.”  But, convinced he meant it when he said he’d change and he would treat me better, I said, “Well, I should at least give him a chance to see if he meant it when he said he’d change.”  But that chance turned into another year of second chances.  He manipulated me the exact same way every time.  And I fell for it.  That makes me so angry.  

Then I also have a flashback of his best friend.  He told her that we were having sex, even though when it was just the two of us he would openly throw around the word rape to describe what he did to me.  I was so mad.  I told him that if he didn’t tell her the truth, I would break up with him.  I should have broken up with him anyway.  He agreed to tell her.  He told me he wanted me to have someone to talk to about what he was doing to me, someone who understands him.  I told him that would be too weird.  A year later, recently after Scott and I broke up, she and I were hanging out at school and I finally brought it up.  I don’t remember why but I remember that she said something to me that gave me a weird feeling.  When I said what happened, as if she knew, she gave me the weirdest look.  And I said, “I thought you knew?”  She had no fucking clue.  But Scott planned this all along.  He tore apart the friendship she and I had developed by saying that I was making everything up.  He told her I said things about her.  He told me she said things about me.  And he just sat back and enjoyed the show.  He tried pulling that with my best friend once but she was too smart for it.  Ugh.  This all makes me so mad.  I don’t know who I’m more angry with—myself for falling for it or him for doing it.  

And another flashback of the first time I ever heard his voice.  He called me.  We were friends on facebook because we had mutual friends but he thought I was cool to talk to and he wanted to have a real conversation and at that point I didn’t see any reason not to.  I was immediately enthralled by his darkness.  For some reason I thought it was so fascinating how intelligent he was about evil things, and for some reason I wasn’t suspicious that he might be evil himself.  He told me all about demons.  It was exciting talking to someone that believed in spiritual warfare, especially because it’s a darkness I’ve struggled with.  I thought his knowledge would help me find a way out.  But as we were talking, I felt a darkness surrounding me.  Then I heard a beating noise in the walls, like a heartbeat.  It started off quiet.  It was in between the walls of my bedroom and my mom’s bedroom.  It scared me so I didn’t want to hang up the phone.  The beating got louder and louder as he told me more, until it was a banging sound.  For some stupid reason, I was still unsuspicious that Scott was somehow connected to this or that this was a sign.  My mom came in and told me to knock it off.  That’s when I knew it was in my head and I was scared shitless.  My mom heard it too.  I didn’t even know what to say.  But Scott told me it would be okay and that he would protect me.  

He told me more stories but the heartbeat still went on.  I tried to ignore it and focus on his stories.  The topic moved from demons to manipulation.  He started talking about his plans with his friends to take over the government.  I didn’t really take it seriously because guys always plan stupid shit together.  Throughout the relationship I realized he was completely serious about everything we talked about, even when he told me about his skills to manipulate people.  He told me about his times in community college.  He sat behind this girl.  He would study her and mimmic her every move, until he believed he could manipulate what she did next.  She was unaware of all of this.  He said that after a while, he would take control of the movements and hers would follow.  She became his puppet.  He also told me of his black magic experiences and how he once opened “the third eye” and once split his personality.  Again, I never took any of this seriously until I saw how seriously he believed in all of this.  

I stayed on the phone with him all night, until around 5 in the morning, because the heartbeat noise scared me.  It was like a drum, getting louder and faster as the time went on.  The moment we hung up the phone, the noise stopped—Silence—but a lesser version of the dark presence remained.  I should have been relieved but that scared me even more.  I wondered if it was really just a coincidence or if it was a sign.  But I shrugged it off.  My logic was impaired and I didn’t feel myself.  I felt like something in my mind changed but I didn’t know what.  Too afraid to figure it out, I just didn’t think about it.  When I woke up in the morning, I found out my neighbor died.  Things only got creepier from there.  There are things that happened to me that I can’t talk about, things that will make me sound crazy.  This is the first time I’ve opened up this much.  I wish there were a safe way for me to say more without being judged.  

// Dear society, //

Stop teaching girls not to be “tempting” and start teaching people to have self-control and to respect others’ bodies.  I’m all for women having self-respect but self-respect doesn’t prevent rape.  The first time my rapist came onto me, I was wearing jeans and a high-cut, baggy, long-sleeved shirt.  The only skin exposed was my upper neck, my face (obviously), and my hands.  Please tell me how I fucking tempted him.  Please tell me how I deserved for him to say it was my fault for being too irresistible.  

1 out of 3 women are sexually abused (or 1 out of 4 women are raped). Why does everyone still act like it’s so rare and only happens to girls attacked in dark alleys? The majority of rapes are done by someone close to the victim. People really need to have more sympathy, or at least a lot less ignorance.

*Stats taken from psychological and rape encyclopedias.

Rape experiences from victims at a Christian school

This happens to victims all the time.  It’s things like this that make me afraid to trust people because I know exactly what these victims are going through, only my experience did not become quite as public (at least not yet).  Victims deserve so much better than this.  1 in 3 women have been sexually abused and yet people act like it never happens.  Fuck people.  Fuck all these hypocrites that claim to have grace and yet have nothing but judgment.  

For the record, this happens at secular schools too.  This article just happens to focus on one Christian school so please do not bias Christians off this article.  

// John 13:7 “Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.””//

Last night I had the horrible and painful realization that I’ve lost my faith.  I know it’s because I feel like God is being silent and like I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for life to get better and it’s not.  But if this is true, God please show me.  I don’t know how long I can keep on living this way.  

// Dear everyone who thinks I’m strong,//

Thank you so much for all of your encouraging messages.  You have no idea how much I need them.  I really do not feel strong.  You all give me the strength to stand up for myself because I’m not just standing up for me; I’m standing up for all of you.  I love you all.  Please be strong.  

// Goodbye Alex//

I never completely let go of Alex.  I didn’t understand why I couldn’t completely let him go, even though I desperately wanted to—until Monday.  I’ve gradually been letting him go more and more but there was a part of me that wanted to hold onto him, to hold onto the happiness and fond memories, the dream.  On Monday I realized that it’s not even him I was holding onto anymore—it was me.  When he left, a huge part of me died inside and thus begun a series of experiences that changed me forever.  It was the death of every part of myself I was ever proud of, every part of myself I accepted.  And because when I was with Alex was the last time I remember being myself.  I’ve been so miserable because I hate that I lost myself and I don’t know how to get myself back.  But for me to start working on who I want to be, I have to let the past go.  So goodbye Alex.  Goodbye to my old self.  

// What is home?//

I’m starting to freak out.  I move back home in one month and that leaves me torn.  I am excited to finally get away from my awful roommates but I’m worried about what new problems will arise at home this summer.  My parents don’t like to have me around for long periods of time.  After I outlast my initial welcome, they’re annoyed with me.  I should be pretty busy this summer so hopefully it won’t be that bad.  And what if my dad tries to kill me again this summer?  I feel like there’s no winning for me.  I have a lot of tension with my roommates because they’re total slobs.  They leave their dirty clothes and dirty dishes and trash all over the apartment and it covers the entire downstairs and most of the upstairs.  Then when I try to be nice and clean up so that I don’t have an anxiety attack (definitely a germaphobe), they only get mad at me or don’t even notice.  Then the mess is back later that day or the next day.  They can never just say thank you.  It only causes more problems.  And there’s no winning for me there either because if I leave the mess, I’ll just end up screaming at them and I’ve stayed mature and calm around them this long.  I don’t want to screw that up.  Sometimes I wish I had more back bone, or at least better luck.  My roommates have made it clear that I’m an outsider to them the day I moved in and that they had no interest in ever getting to know me.  They don’t talk to me.   Thankfully a really nice girl just moved in this week and I already know her better than I know either of my other roommates.  Maybe she’ll make me feel less alone and less excluded.  I definitely never want to live on campus again but my parents might force me to.  I want to get an apartment with close friends off campus so that I never have to deal with all this bullshit again.  My friends are clean.  We respect each other’s privacy.  We clean up after ourselves and help each other clean.  We get along great and know each other pretty well.  The apartment is much bigger, cleaner, and nicer.  We don’t have stupid curfew or gender limitations.  It’s a dream, if my dad will let me live off campus.  And I don’t see why not.  It’s half the price of living on campus with way more benefits and still within walking distance from school.  And I’d be guaranteed to be happy.  I’d finally have a place I feel I belong, somewhere to call home.  I’m praying that I can have that chance.  I am literally begging God because I need to know there is a light at the end of this tunnel.  Life has been so hard for me.  I need to know it’s going to get easier, or at least less lonely.  Everyone says that college is the best time of your life but it’s been so awful for me.  For my last year of college, I want to have the best year of my life so I can understand what everyone else is talking about.  If life only gets worse from here, I honestly don’t want to stick around to live it.  It’s hard having to wake up every morning and find the strength to keep taking care of myself and to keep having hope.  I need independence.  I wish I could afford a car.  Even if I had a job, it would be too risky to buy a car.  I don’t want to empty my bank account completely.  What if an emergency happens and I end up needing the money?  But until I get a car, I will never be independent because I will always count on either my boyfriend or my dad to drive me somewhere.  I would drive my mom’s car but I can’t afford insurance either.  And I’m super lame to everyone my age because they all have cars and I don’t, like it’s somehow my fault that my parents are poor, yet it’s still one of the reasons I don’t really have friends.  I feel stuck.  I’m trying so hard to be patient and wait for good things to start happening to me again soon.  I know I should be more positive because things have gotten better lately but it’s so hard.  I feel like the only person I really have is my boyfriend and it scares me to death when I can’t depend on him sometimes because it reminds me of how alone I am and how I don’t have anyone else I can depend on.  He is the one person I need to be able to count on at the end of the day, the only one I can count on.  My other friends aren’t here for me.  I feel so trapped in where I am in life.  I’m not trying to be greedy.  I just really need some tangible independence, just a little bit.  I won’t dare even ask to be completely independent this young but just enough to where I can remember what freedom tastes like, enough to know I’m not stuck.  Please God, if you’re even listening anymore, please show me the good plans you have for me.  Please show me that there’s a reason I still wake up every morning by your grace when far more deserving people don’t.  Why am I still here?

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.
Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower (via observando)
Inside a Rape Victim's Mind
I guess you could say I've had a life long of preparation for how to deal with abuse. He was my boyfriend of a year and 3 months and he raped me multiple times almost every day that he saw me. This experience almost broke me. I felt scared and trapped. I didn't know how to get out. But one day I finally let him go and I've been recovering ever since. Free from him since November 2012. Halloween 2012 was the last time he raped me. November 10, 2012 was the day I left him for good. Now I'm rising above. I'm not letting him ruin me. And I won't let him hurt anyone else either. I'm no longer just a victim. I am a survivor.
Psychology major
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